I’ve never been a very rash person.
I like to methodically think things through, see the situation from multiple angles and gave it plenty of time and thought. Though lately, I’m not really sure what has gotten into me.
I ordered a textbook for my Business Statistics class I am taking this semester a few weeks back, and when I finally got it in the mail, they had sent me an Indian edition, “for sale only in India, Sri Lanka, Bangledash, and Bhutan.” The text was all in English, but I didn’t know if it was still the same book or not so I shipped it back to get a refund. I decided to rent the book from Amazon (around the same price) and not go through the same company again. I had to expedite the shipping so I would get it in time to go back to Kansas City since I don’t trust the mailing at my apartment.
The previous days and the troubles with my family had been grating on me, so I had everything packed up and was going to leave once I received my textbook in the mail. So I waited. And waited. And waited. It never came. I called FedEx to see what was up – I paid an extra $15 for the shipping so I definitely should have received it. They said it wasn’t their fault, naturally, and to call the United States Postal Service. So I called them and they said it wasn’t their fault, it was Amazon. So I called Amazon and they apologized profusely and weren’t sure why my package wasn’t marked for the expedited shipping when it should have been. They issued me a refund, which I was grateful for, but I was so angry that I still didn’t have my textbook.
Looking back, I was so stupid, but I was so angry for some reason and when I get upset I just cry. I wanted to leave home and get away and I didn’t want to cause any more problems with my mother and I wanted to see Andrew and I couldn’t because of the stupid textbook. I didn’t know what to do. I called Andrew and he suggested either having it sent to Kansas City once my mother received it or waiting for it to come and leave then.
I asked my mom if she would be willing to ship it for me once it arrived and she asked, “Do you hate it so much here that you’ll pay $30 for overnight shipping just to leave tonight?” And me, being upset and incredibly rude, said, “Yes, I hate it here that much.” Other rude things were said that I don’t really remember. I was just yelling and getting out my bottled emotions and I couldn’t stop, even as I could see the pain on my mom’s face. My mom went silent and after a moment told me to write down the address. She then went to the room and didn’t say goodbye.
That hurt. So I threw the rest of my stuff into the car – as well as a box of tissues, because I knew I would need them – and called Andrew. I told him I was coming in that night and asked if he would help me unpack when I got to my apartment. It’s about a 3 and a half hour to four hour drive between Saint Louis and Kansas City, but I didn’t leave until 8:30PM, so I knew I would be pushing it to make it by midnight.
The first forty-five minutes went by quickly. I was still so angry and upset, just wanted to get as far away as possible. And then suddenly, I felt like such a jerk. I knew I had hurt my mom a lot because she didn’t even say goodbye or to drive safely. I knew she didn’t want me to drive so late. So I cried for a good while, quickly wiping my eyes so I could see the road but then having it go blurry once more. I couldn’t take back the words I said and I was far enough out that I couldn’t just turn around. It was all done for.
I called Andrew again, practically sobbing, and I explained everything to him. I asked, “Why do I feel so guilty for just being honest when everyone in my family treats me like crap?” He said, “Because you’re a good person.” He then told me to call my mom and apologize. So I did. She was silent on the other end while I explained myself but she said she was grateful that I called and that she was really upset.
I felt better, but only a little. Halfway into the drive, I had to blast the music I was listening to – old country ballads that perfectly reflected my gloomy mood and that I knew about half the words to – just to stay awake. And then I finally reached my home away from home. Andrew helped me bring my things up from the car.
It’s been a few days since I’ve been back. I’ve done some grocery shopping, cleaned my room up, tried to prepare for school starting again next week, but mostly I’ve just watched movies with Andrew and Downton Abbey when he’s been at work (by the way, absolutely fantastic and additcting. I love it.), but that’s only been really to distract myself. My mom and I have only texted and it’s still a bit awkward.
I wanted to get away from home, but the fashion I did it in only made me feel worse and now I can’t even appreciate the distance. Who’s this selfish, inconsiderate monster I’ve become?