Tears and Struggles

I’ve been struggling with a lot of things these past couple of days.

I really miss my family. I’m such a home girl that it’s hard to take the girl away from the home. Today was Becky’s birthday and it really sucked not being able to celebrate her turning 20 today. “What if,” keeps running through my head. What if I had decided to stay home for school? It would be a lot cheaper. I would be with my friends and family. I wouldn’t have to deal with apartment problems and pay for every little thing by myself. It sucks being broke and not having your family and friends around.

Andrew’s car got broken into last night and they stole his GPS, his car radio, his work hat, his road safety kit (which runs about $300), his nursing ID, and then busted his ignition so he couldn’t start the car. I kind of freaked out. He sent me a text and I called him to get all of the details and then when I got off the phone, I just burst into tears. I had just got out of class and was sitting in my car in the parking garage crying.

Why am I having all these apartment problems? Why is Andrew getting his car broken into? Why do I not know what I want to do with my life? Why am I not connecting with the people I know here in Kansas City better? Why do I never get to see Andrew? Why am I not hanging out with my friends here? Why am I so miserable? Why am I so broke? Why is it one thing after another after another? Why, God?

But then I start to think of how enormously blessed I am. Andrew wasn’t hurt, nor were any of his roommate. Things can be stolen and they can be replaced, but he can’t, and I’m so grateful they didn’t try to break into his house or anything. I’m so glad he’s okay. I just got a job, which so far I like. Everyone is friendly and I’m catching on. The apartment problems are being fixed, slowly but surely. We’re actually being compensated by having $100 taken off of next month’s rent.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I have no idea what I’m doing in Kansas City. I think, I should be home with my family and friends and what I know. But then I think, this is where God has placed me right now and where I’m going to be for the next two (or so) years. I just need to be faithful and trust in Him that He’s got it all figured out. It’s so incredibly hard, and I feel depressed as crap all the time, but I have so much to be thankful for and a God that understands and is in full control.

I’ve worked the past six days in a row (including training). It’s exhausting because I’m on my feet all day, but I think it’s good because it doesn’t give me time to think. Thinking just gets me worrying and I have enough to worry about. I’m also a bit sleep deprived and I work in seven hours. Bahh.

Money has been so frustrating lately. I really have been worrying about it too much. I have loans to pay, bills to pay, school to pay for. It’s so incredibly frustrating that I haven’t been able to save any money. I worked full-time all summer and I still am so incredibly broke. I have always appreciated the fact that my family has not been wealthy. We were never by any means poor, but we were working middle class. We had to work hard for what we got – and I’m glad that I have that mindset, that I only get what I earn. But sometimes I wonder how nice it must be for other students to have their parents pay for college and not have to worry about money.

Or not be stuck in a shady apartment.

But then, I feel like I’m just saying, “Oh woe is me!” and playing the victim. My electricity isn’t shut off, we have hot running water. Again, I’ve so much to be thankful for so why am I so depressed?

Just a lot of conflicting emotions and a lot of tears lately. Andrew told me today I was getting bags under my eyes because I’ve been crying so much. It’s so easy to sing praises in the good times, and so easy to not believe in the hard. But God is good, all the time.

16 thoughts on “Tears and Struggles”

  1. Oh, Becca. *squishes in a bear hug*

    I still live at home and will be (hopefully) off to uni in two years time, so I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but I know that when I leave home I will be an utter wreck too to start with. You have to get used to a new place — and Kansas City must be huge — and new people and find a job, which you’ve done, and find a place to live, which you’ve done. Being broke is shit but you now have a steady income from your job and then there’s that $100 sliced off this month’s rent for you. That’ll help, yeah?

    Just keep your head up, girl. Things can only get better! I moved schools when I was 14 to a new secondary school and the first week was so, so, so hard. Everything was new: the ethos, the school itself, the people, the unspoken rules and at the end of the first week I just burst into tears. But I was so lucky because when I was there I met one of my closest friends who I think might just be a friend for life, and once I’d got used to the school and the people it was fine. I’ve always been a bit of an outcast, but I still found my footing and I just got down to it and worked.

    You’re also so lucky to have friends and family that support you, even if they’re not with you right now. And then there are us bloggers to keep an eye on you. ;) You’re stronger than you think and you can power through this. It’s always hardest at the beginning.

    Remember: “A ship in port is safe, but that is not what ships are for”. You can do this. ♥

    Take care! xx

  2. Being away from family because of college can be hard at first, but you will get used to it eventually. It sucks having the struggle of finances and social being but it makes you a stronger person at the end because you overcome it.

    I am sorry to hear that Andrew’s car got broken into :/. It’s disgusting how people would do such a thing for materialistic reasons.. And even worse yet, they messed up the car’s ignition. I’m glad to hear that Andrew is safe and sound because like you said, things can be replaced; he can’t.

    On the brighter side, you’re getting compensated for the apartment’s problems. It’s a step/start in getting things worked out. Stay strong and don’t let anything bring you down. Things will work itself out with time; just bear with it. You can do it because you’re Becca :)!

  3. Aww, I hope things get better for you. It sucks that people have to ruin things for others, it’s just so cruel. I was watching a programme about my area being one of the most burgled postcodes in England and it really freaked me out. I hope everything works itself out and manages to get sorted. At least you’re being compensated, and at least you’ll appreciate the good things more, I suppose.

    It’s probably better that you’re not getting it all paid for. People like that probably won’t learn how to deal with money properly, because they’ve never had to before. It may seem rubbish, but it’ll improve your life skills, and you’ll know that you worked for everything you got, and you deserve it.

    xx

  4. Aww, I’m sorry to hear about all the problems you’ve been having :( That’s terrible that so much of Andrew’s stuff got stolen and that they even busted the ignition. That just seems overboard. But like you said, on the bright side, he’s a-ok, and his things can always be replaced.

    Living away from home can be hard, but hopefully you’ll get the hang of it as time goes by. I loved living away from home and having that feeling of independence. It’s kind of tough and overwhelming at first though! I’m glad you like your job at least, and that the apartment problems are being resolved, even if it’s a bit slow.

    Hang in there! I hope you feel better soon, and that things will start looking up for you :)

  5. I understand exactly how you feel about everything. It’s not easy down the path but usually you find it to be worth it in the end. I’m glad Andrew wasn’t hurt and that everything is replaceable because a lot of things aren’t.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.

    I know exactly what you’re going through because I’ve been there and more. Regardless, you’re my friend and I want you to be happy, so it worries me when you aren’t, but hopefully everything gets better for you in the long run.

  6. Aww! I hope things get resolved soon! I don’t know how it feels living away from family since I still live at home while attending college. But I do know the feeling of worrying about not being able to spend time with family members, especially on important occasions. It’s good that you’re liking your job though! Just take it one step at a time :)

    Woah, why would anyone do that to Andrew? It’s so scary and appalling that people can do that! But yes, you’re right that it’s just a material thing and it’s more important that he’s safe, and you should just feel thankful for that. I wish you all the luck and I hope you resolve those apartment problems soon! :)

  7. And all the time, God is good! :D

    *hugs* Like you’ve said, God put you in this place at this time for a reason. It might feel hard right now–probably because it is! and it’s perfectly okay to feel upset and have a good cry!–but you’ll get through it. There’s probably a much more overall reason, and even if it doesn’t seem obvious now or even at the end, you grow from it, which is always a positive result.

    I’m really sorry to hear about Andrew’s car :( But like you said–it’s good that he’s alright! A broken car and stolen items are things to fairly be upset about, but I’m glad that you’re looking on the bright side of things and that his actual safety and health are fine ♥

    Again, I’ve so much to be thankful for so why am I so depressed?

    *hugs you again* Oh, I hope so much that you do feel better. I don’t blame you at all for getting stressed. And this is just the way you feel; you don’t have to apologize for your feelings because who can blame you? But you’ll get through this. I know it :)

  8. It’s nice to see that despite everything, you see that God is still good. There are so many people I know that would reach this point in their lives and just think the world is out to get them. But you seem like a strong, hard-working lady. You’ll get through it. I feel your pain with work. Sometimes, we just need a break and a breather and time to re-catch ourselves, examine our lives.

    And out of curiosity, why are you in Kansas City? Is it for school? This is my first time stopping by. I’m AnneMarie by the way! (:

  9. First and foremost, I’d like to say “Stay strong. You’re holding strong. Don’t give up.”
    Just by reading the quick transition from despair to resiliency shows that you don’t give up easily, and that your gratitude for all the good things will guide you through. Life’s not easy, and we all [or most of us] understand your sentiment very well. Slowly, but surely, you will get through this. Even though you’re not physically near your loved ones, their love and support for you remain strong. You also have us who provide that emotional support. It’s okay to cry it out, of course. However, I just want to let you know that your positive attitude will get you through all this.

    Again, stay strong. :)

  10. I remember the first year I moved away for school. It was HORRIBLE. I was so homesick. I was an hour away from everyone I knew living in a basement apartment with two other guys so I had no interest in spending time with (they liked to smoke drugs so I would spend my time locked in my bedroom). I called crying to my boyfriend saying I didn’t want to be there. I told my parents I wanted to quit but mom told me to stay and try it for a little bit longer.

    I did eventually get better and started making friends. I never really went out and did anything with anyone until my second year but I survived. I also had a break-in at the apartment but only my roommates items were taken and no one was home because we all went home for Christmas break. But that scared me too.

    As for money, I wasn’t able to find a job and my parents wouldn’t pay for my school (they paid my undergrad but my teaching degree was up to me) so I was forced to get a student loan. It was nice because I didn’t have to worry about money and wasn’t stressed out from working and going to school all the time. Paying it back sucked but once I was done it was such a sense of accomplishment.

    Just use this year as a learning experience. You will learn how to be independent and next year you will be better prepared to find a better living situation.

  11. Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling this way. I too, haven’t really been feeling my best. I’m glad you are able to look at the positives, and that at least your apartment problems are slowly getting fixed. Money has always been an issue for me, so I completely understand how you feel. Also sorry to hear about Andrew’s car, what happened to him was incredibly unlucky. It’s so unfortunate that so many things were stolen and that his car was targeted. But then again, like you said, at least he wasn’t hurt, and that’s the most important thing. Life is full of ups and downs, and I hope that things will be better, and that you feel better soon! :)

  12. That’s got to be hard to move away from family and friends on your own. I can understand why you would have those moments of regrets, but it is good that you are also looking at the positive and hopefully – before you know it – it will become a second home to you. I hope the rest of your time goes by smoothly. Good luck!

  13. Hi, it’s been a while since I read your blog. I’m sorry you are so miserable :(. I never went away when I was so young but a friend of mine had a very hard time when she left home to go to college. It’s good you can see the good things in the end, at least.

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