Call Me Ungrateful

I have never been more homesick in my entire life. I mentioned that things regarding college life were looking better in my last post, but I would like to scratch that. For the one night they were, but I’m lucky to make it past breakfast without crying now because I am so absolutely miserable.

I am from St. Louis, which for those of you who do not know, is on the eastern edge of Missouri. I am currently attending the University of Missouri – Kansas City which is on the western edge of Missouri. About a four hour drive from home. When I was looking for schools to attend, I thought that that was the perfect distance. Far enough to get away, but close enough to come home.

Except I can’t come home.

Andrew got into a wreck yesterday in which he most likely totaled his car (still has to hear back from the mechanic) and I have no way to get to the train or bus station and don’t particularly want to fork out $60 for either, round trip. So here I am, stuck in a place I know nothing about, with nobody that I know, attending classes I know nothing about for a degree in a major that I don’t know yet!

If you can’t tell, right now I know absolutely nothing.

So in situations like this where I feel so ridiculously alone and I miss my friends and family and everything about the way I used to live my life, I do what I do best: cry. I mean I can’t even read a text message from my mom or an e-mail from my dad without crying. I posted a status on Facebook about how I could really use prayer and a lot of friends and family commented on it and just glancing at it made me start to cry.

I’m technically enrolled as a French major here, but I already know that that is not what I want to do. So I’m taking this French class which is dreadful. The professor seems real nice, but everything is just way over my head. I’m just completely lost. While I know that it’s college and the classes will be difficult, I didn’t expect this total confusion. So the other night I had a complete melt-down on the phone with my mom about all of this. And she was wonderful as always, saying she believes in me, blah blah blah. But it just made me cry even harder because I didn’t want to let her down but I just want to quit so bad.

I’m just absolutely miserable. I don’t know what I want to do in life, so I don’t know what classes to take here in college and I just feel like I’m wasting my time and money. I know I should be thankful for the opportunity, but I feel so alone and lost. I just don’t think I can last through the whole semester.

So here’s my confession that I hate college and really really just want to go home. But I can’t, which I know I can’t, which makes me cry. And as always, I can’t stop.

12 thoughts on “Call Me Ungrateful”

  1. First off – *hugs*

    Secondly, your feelings are shared with a LOT of college students worldwide. College is definitely scary and not everyone can deal with being away from family and friends for the first time. Also, your confusion is normal too. Many, many people begin college and don’t know what they want to major in. A lot of people switch around their majors throughout their 3-4 years in college. You are majoring in French right now, but maybe you’ll end up graduating with a degree in psychology (just an example :P). People tend to finally come to a conclusion with what they want to major in after taking a certain class or classes that they thoroughly enjoyed. Not everyone keeps their first decided major throughout their college years.

    I’m in college, but I go to a community/junior college. I knew right away I wasn’t ready to head to a university and my grades weren’t exactly the best either, so community college I went. Do you think university is right for you right now? Would you ever think of leaving your college and do two years at a community college?

    I suppose I’ll end this comment with some links for you that I *hope* can help from rookiemag.com (rookiemag is the best!):

    http://rookiemag.com/2012/08/year-on/
    http://rookiemag.com/2012/08/freshman-year/

    They’re both GREAT articles about being fresh out of high school and beginning college.

  2. Hey! Things will get better, dear. I promise. When I went away, I was homesick for a solid two weeks. Like you, I’d wake up, realize I wasn’t at home, in my bed with my dog, and start tearing up. I’d call my mom just bawling my eyes out. “Let me go home!” I was sure I wouldn’t make the month. Then time went by, and I figured I could make it the semester. More time, and it was two semesters. Within a month, I was willing to do this for four years. Things DO get better. You’ll make friends — in college, everyone’s looking for friends, so if you ask someone to hang out or go get lunch or something, I highly doubt they’ll say no. And it’s usual to change majors (average student does it six times during their four-year tenure). Foreign language is just harder and more demanding at the college-level, but if it’s over your head, then consider dropping it, picking another class, and (if you can) starting at a lower semester level. (That’s if you’re like me, who took a placement test, tested into fifth semester, and freaked out. But I’m allowed to go back to third semester or any level below that.)

    So, don’t give up hope. It’s a hard transition for anyone. =] You survived high school, and college is much better than that. And joining clubs is a great way to make new friends, because you will share a common interest.

    And, when The Amazing Spider-Man comes out on DVD, that will cheer you up, too. ^^

  3. I think you should talk to a counsellor or something. They’ll be able to help you figure out what you want to do and how to get there. It’s still pretty early in the year so it’s not to late to change things.

    Things are probably hectic for everyone who’s in their first year. A lot of people think they have it figured out and once they get there realize it’s completely different from what they thought.

    No shame in feeling home sick, but stick to it! :)

  4. Awww, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but it’s actually normal. You’re leaving home for the first time and studying stuff that is challenging and stressful. I didn’t leave home for college, but I met some people who were thousands of miles from home. My friend from Shanghai was crying to me because she was so homesick and college was tough and she didn’t know many people, but she got past all that. And so will you!

    I’m sorry your boyfriend’s car got totaled, but at least he’s okay, right?

    I really hope you’ll get more used to college life soon! It’s going to be okay! *HUG*

    1. *HUG* Thanks Kris. <3

      Things were so hard at first, but they are better now. I just gotta suck it up! I miss talking to you but my campus internet won't let me view your site because it's co.cc. It's awful! D:

  5. I’m so sorry about this messy situation you are currently in. :( I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably get depressed, though, like I did last year. It was a number of things causing it, but my job just made it completely worse.

    I do hope that things start to get better for you!

  6. *hugs* Things will get better I promise you that. I know about the homesickness, I’ve had it bad before. I’ve been in the same position as you minus the college thing but it got worse before it got better.

    I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.

  7. Aw I feel sorry for you! I’m going to be in your exact position in October; I hope i’m okay.

    I’ll moving into a house with 15 other people sharing cooking facilities with 15 other people! I must be cray cray #SCARY

  8. I hated college so much at first too. I was miserable. I decided to take a chance and transfer schools. I went to SLU last year, which is 3 hours aways from home. This year I am going to a huge school that is 15 min aways from my house. I thought I could do it all by myself, but being close enough to my house is enough to ensure me that college is alright. Even being that close, it really doesn’t feel like it because the campus is so huge and a city unto itself. If something absolutely awful happens, I know I can hop in my car or call my parents and know that my bed is only 15 min away.

  9. Girl, breathe. College is supposed to be a fantastic experience that most people wish they could return to once they hit 40 & their life isn’t nearly as fun.

    So, college is tough, you already know that. Now you know what is to be expected of you. If college were easy, more people wouldn’t be such idiots, right? Maybe? If college were free & easy, then yeah I guess America would be populated with less idiots. But anyway, the point is, college is tough. There’s no way around it. I struggle all the time, except it’s physics that keeps me up at night.

    French is a tough language, but it’s not impossible. Trust me, you can do it. Especially because it just takes a bit of commitment & hard work, but when you get it down, you’ll come back to your site & blog about how you mastered French!!

    I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s car. It’s a good thing he’s okay though. Now that you’re stranded because you don’t want to pay $60 to get back home & back to school, cry it out now, but look up because you’re down in a hole that you need to climb out of.

    Look, we all know life is hard. College is tough, it’s not supposed to be easy. You’re supposed to experience challenges in your life because life isn’t easy. You just have to figure out how to handle the challenges & overcome them. You know you can’t solve your issues by crying about it all day. So wipe those tears off your face & vow to meet some new people (because the people you meet in college are more likely to be your friends later on life than the ones you met in high school). Join a club. Talk to your counselor & see what she/he thinks would be a good major for you.

    Look into all the majors your college offers. Look up the majors you’ve never heard about or don’t know what exactly it’s about. Google them. Wikipedia it. See if that appeals to you.

    What you’re going through will pass if you do something to make it pass. You have to climb out of this hole! Your family & friends are probably really proud that you’re at a college, so make them proud! Don’t drop out because you miss them too much. Our time on this earth is temporary. We never know what’s going to happen to us tomorrow, in 5 minutes, whatever. So make the best of this. You’re in a bad situation, but you just have to give yourself maybe an hour more to cry about it & then you need to make a list of goals to dry your tears.

    Make new friends. Try to figure out how to conquer French (I took French for nearly 4-5 years & got A’s in my classes, but I can barely speak it. I know how difficult it is, but you just need to be exposed to it all the time. At least you’re not dropped in France where they speak it at a million words per second. I was just there two weeks ago!! I thought I could understand them, but they needed to slowww downnn). Talk to your counselor. Talk to your parents. Look up new majors.

    Or, honestly, if you don’t think you’re ready for this right now, maybe you should look into going to a community college where the pace isn’t as fast & you can transfer pretty much anywhere you’d like after you finish your GE classes. You can discover more about yourself, what your interests are, & you can be at home & commute to school.

    I wish you the best!!

  10. The beginning of school is always scary. But you’re going to meet people. Stick it out. It gets better, I promise. $60 does sound like a lot of money to get to the train. I used to take a bus home sometimes and I think that cost me around $30 round trip. But I was willing to pay the money to go see my family and boyfriend. I’m going to see my friend sometime this month on the bus which is going to cost me $60 round trip. But as I am not longer a student with tuition to pay, I don’t mind spending the money. Kind of sucks that it will only be for a day though. A lot of money to waste.

    Just let yourself cry it out for a while. Big changes are always scary. But you will figure things out. At least finish a semester and if you still feel like you’re wasting your time talk to your family. When I did my undergrad I didn’t know what to major in. But I took a psychology class and loved it. I ended up majoring in it just because it was really interesting (and easy haha). I would never do anything with a psych. degree though I don’t think.

  11. Awe, that’s sad. :( But I can’t blame you. It’s tough to be away from family, I’m not even sure if I can do that. Mostly everyone who’s going to University goes through that. I was lucky enough to stay at my parent’s place, but in your case, the distance is not so bad. Sure, it’d cost a lot to go see them, but it’s still possible. Plus, once they get the car working again, you can see them (almost) anytime you wanted to. Look at the brighter things in life! :) That’s pretty clich√© but it has some truth in it.

    Changing your major to something you’d feel more comfortable with would be a good idea, in my opinion. One thing I’m sure, if you don’t like it that much, getting used to the whole college thing would be really hard. I’m sure your parents just wish that you get what you need especially in your studies, so it shouldn’t be a problem if you’re really into it. I’m sure you have your options, so take your time. I’m not sure I make a lot of sense, but I really do hope you feel better. :)

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